Tonight's episode started out with Courtney and Jean-Robert exchanging words. I think she is overreacting a bit to his "yelling," but then if I was a walking skeleton, maybe I'd be a bit on edge to. Seriously, that girl needs to put on at least 15 pounds. I know thin is in, but bones are gross. Okay, that didn't rhyme, but I got my point across.

Zhan Hu found out they had mold in their rice. Sherea tried to separate the good from the bad. Dave said she should put the good rice in something else and she just snapped. She told him to "not start with her." Seriously, she lost it. She started picking up shells and putting them in a plate and Dave nicely asked her "Please do not throw those away." She kept loading them and began to walk off. Dave walked after her, saying again "Please do not throw those away." He was pretty calm about it, but she just got all ghetto on him. She said, "I wish you would come a second time. I mean it." It was as if she were looking for a fight. I was expecting an episode of The Jerry Springer Show to break out at any minute. I will admit last week I thought Dave was crazy with the naked challenge thing, but it looked like crazy jumped all over Sherea tonight. Finally, Frosti jumped in and asked Sherea to give the shells to him. Dave said he just wanted some of the shells to take to his mom. Aw.

The tribes got treemail that they all go to tribal council that night, but it turns out it was just a challenge. Two members of each tribe had to use giant chopsticks to carry a flaming ball down a course to a shoot. When they dropped the flaming ball into the shoot, it dropped it into a wok and set off fireworks. Each time, the chopsticks would get longer, making it harder to carry the ball. The tribe who finished first would have a family come and visit them. The family would teach them how to catch fish and also cook for them using spices and vegetables.

Fei Long led the challenge the whole way. They won - I should have known Jean-Robert would work hard to get food! The tribe decided to kidnap Dave, who was glad to go after all the drama with Sherea. Dave tried to network while there. Todd said he was a nutcase and annoying, but Dave felt a kinship with Todd and gave him the scroll. So now, Todd is the only one with all three clues. Todd told him that if Zhan Hu kidnapped him, he would return the favor.

Zhan Hu was a bit suspicious that Dave looked so happy to be going to Fei Long, but after he was gone, they realized he was the workhorse of the tribe. Sherea just laid on her lazy butt while everyone else finally decided to do some work or it wouldn't get done. She said she was going to "ride the work horse till the tail fell off. I'm not doing anything I don't have to." Nice attitude Sherea!

Who could have known that when the family showed up that Jean-Robert would be able to speak to them in Mandarin? Even Todd was impressed! Jean-Robert said he spent a few years in Taiwan when he was a kid and it paid off for Fei Long. James got a bit annoyed, saying Jean-Robert was on his high horse, but even he had to admit that Jean-Robert did good. And we finally got to hear from Denise tonight as she and Aaron were sent out with the family to learn to fish. I had no idea she sounded like New York City fireman!

The immunity challenge was for two members of each tribe to dress in traditional Chinese armor. Behind them were porcelain vases. They had to use a meteor hammer to try to smash the vases, while using a bamboo pole to block their opponent's shots. Each tribe got three throws and the one that broke the most vases won immunity. James, who surely must have been a Chinese warrior in a past life, helped Fei Long take an early lead, but then Jaime showed off knocking off two vases with one hammer. Holy moly! I was impressed. She helped Zhan Hu catch up, but then Amanda hit a final vase and Zhan Hu was headed to tribal council.

Dave tried to remind everyone how he was the workhorse and Sherea didn't do anything. Sherea knew it was between her and Dave, but she reminded everyone that she busted her butt during challenges.

At tribal council, they fought back and forth about what was more important - working around the camp or trying to win challenges. I think Peih-Gee had the right idea when she said both were important! Sherea said she was trying to do more and step it up, which cause Peih-Gee to glare at her and Jaime to frown.

I thought for sure Sherea had shot herself in the foot with her tribal council statements, but the vote was unanimous - everyone was tired of Dave and he was voted out. I guess they figured he had served his purpose. Now the tribe needs a new leader. Who will step up? Surely not Sherea, she is too lazy. And Peih-Gee tried once before, but she got on everyone's nerves. I think Zhan Hu made a mistake in getting rid of Dave, but I don't know.

And I noticed a pattern - be kidnapped by the other team and you go home. Happened to Leslie last week and happened to Dave this week. Hum.

The first challenge was interesting. There were two boats attached on each end. Three contestants (girls versus girls and guys versus guys) would go at each other in hand-to-hand combat and try to throw or push the other tribe off the boat. The last tribe standing would get one point. Three points equally a win and it was for a big prize - comfort items such as kerosene, a lantern, blankets, pillows, rope, and a tarp. Fei Long had to sit out two people, so they chose the smallest - Todd and Courtney. I would have thought the Fei Long girls would have had an advantage with Denise being the stoutest on either team, but not true. Zhan Hu won the first girl's round. Next up were the men and Dave did the strangest thing. He pulled his shorts off, going naked. I don't know what he was thinking and everyone looked pretty shocked. I mean, Fei Long had James and Jean-Robert, the two largest guys on the show, so maybe Dave was trying to go with the shock factor or figured he would dangle his you-know-what in someone's face and in a homophobic fit, they would fling themselves into the water. Not sure what this strategy was, but it didn't work. The Fei Long guys easily won. The next round had the same results - the Zhan Hu girls won then the Fei Long guys won again. So the score was tied 2-2. The deciding round was the girls. I was hoping maybe the Fei Long girls had figured out something, but no, they lost again (that little Peih-Gee is tough!) and Zhan Hu won their first challenge this season.

In winning, they could "kidnap" a member of Fei Long, so they chose Leslie. Thankfully, Dave promised to keep his pants on while she was there. I really think Dave is starting to lose it. Leslie got the scroll from Jeff and decided to return the favor to Jaime and give it to her. Jaime got the first clue to the hidden immunity idol plus a second "towards the heavens" clue. But, the survivors are still clueless. Leslie talks to the girls while swimming. That sly Peih-Gee casually asked about Fei Long and Leslie spilled her guts about the tribe members.

Over at Fei Long, Jean-Robert and James have an interesting conversation, within earshot of Courtney and Todd. At first, they talk about Leslie or as Jean-Robert has dubbed her "Sister Christian" after the Night Ranger song. He tells James she isn't going to last long. James cracked me up as some of his personality started to show through. He said something about the tribe buying all that prayer stuff. "People who pray the most sin the most - that's why they pray! They know they going to hell." I was glad to see James opening up. He is quickly becoming my favorite survivor this season. Jean-Robert says Courtney and Todd will be the first to go. Todd, overhearing this, says, "I'll strangle his ass." Thos are mighty big words coming from a dude who is about the size of one of Jean-Robert's legs! Jean-Robert accuses James of liking Courtney, saying that a million dollars is good, but a million dollars and a piece of tail is even better. Jean-Robert is now talking crap as if he was sitting at a poker table!

The immunity challenge was once again a physical challenge. Four tribe members had to individually chop through wood to cut a rope. Four puzzle pieces would drop down. Once they had all the puzzle pieces, two other tribe members would put the puzzle together then drag the puzzle (which had a heavy base) over the finish line. I figure Fei Long had this one in the bag, but they made one mistake - they let Courtney play. She was up first and she was barely swinging at the wood. She spent quite a bit of her time whining with her little stick self. Zhan Hu finished before Courtney finally got her pieces down. Finally, with encouragement from her tribe, she got through the wood and rope. Fortunately, they had heartier tribe members up next and they were able to get all their pieces before Zhan Hu finished the puzzle. However, Jean-Robert and Todd were trying to hurry the puzzle while Sherea and Dave took their time. Not panicking paid off for Sherea and Dave - Zhan Hu won the immunity challenge.

Courtney walked around the camp like a surgeon with both hands up. Everyone - well, most everyone - told her she did a good job. Fei Long began talking about tribal council. At first, it looked like Jean-Robert might be going home. Todd, Courtney, and Leslie had decided to vote for him. Then, Todd tried to convince Amanda. But Aaron said "No" to Jean-Robert and insisted that Leslie had to go because she had become so friendly with the other tribe, they could not trust her anymore.

Jeff talked to the tribe about what went wrong and asked who should go. Jean-Robert said that obviously the physically weaker players - Todd and Courtney - should leave first. Courtney almost cried, saying the tribe always thinks about her as "where will she do the least damage." Jean-Robert said he was just keeping it real - true, so true. I had to laugh when Courtney said Jean-Robert had to go because when he snored, it sounded like someone choking a walrus. And is it just me, but are you too getting a Daniele from BB8 vibe every time you see Courtney? They are both working the whole anorexic whiney blonde waitress thing.

In the end, it was Leslie's time to go. Courtney frowned, but she had better suck it up or I fear she will be next. And Todd had better be making friends with the brawn on the team or his days may be numbered as well.

I never realized it rained so much in China. There was rain, rain, then more rain! Zhan Hu was trying to build a fire pit. They had Dave in the leadership position, with Peih-Gee serving as his underboss. But, he tends to "talk down to people" as Sherea said, telling Jaime she was "wishing really hard." But he was working hard, maybe too hard.

Over at the Fei Long campsite, we saw Jean-Robert sleep. And sleep. And sleep. Everyone is fussing about his lack of help with even Aaron saying that he needs to start pulling his weight. Jean-Robert says it is all part of his strategy. Being a poker player, he has thought all this out in his mind. He plans to be as lazy as possible, so that when he does start to do something, he will look super-human. Uh, okay, right now everyone just seems ticked off at him. Todd and Amanda form an alliance and pull in Aaron, mainly so as the leader, he can take the fall for their group decisions.

Meanwhile, Zhan Hu was still trying to build a fire pit. The girls - Sherea, Ashley, and Jaime - were all starving to death, but Dave insisted on building the pit the right way. He and Ashley constantly butted heads about this. Is it just me or is she boney skinny? I mean like Courtney Love in People vs. Larry Flint crack head skinny?

The first challenge was to pit three members of one tribe against three from the other tribe. Their goal was to move big wooden balls across the other team's goal line. Sounds easy, huh? No, they had to do it in water and mud. It was like watching mud wrestling. Aaron head locked Jaime and Jean-Robert body slammed Ashley. Soon, people started tearing at clothes to try and stop someone. Thank goodness for the censors because Ashley, unable to stop Jean-Robert, started trying to pull his pants off. Amanda's top came down, but she managed to push the first ball across the goal line for Fei Long. Once she realized she was topless, she exclaimed, "My mom is going to kill me." Ah, she just took one for the team Mom!

In the second round, Jean-Robert tried to powerhouse over everyone. While they were trying to manhandle him, James pushed the second ball across the goal and Fei Long won the challenge. They won fishing gear and the use of a boat. Jeff has promised a twist for the winning team. They could "kidnap" someone from the other team. Fei Long chose Jaime to demoralize Zhan Hu. Jaime got a scroll from Jeff that she was only to read in private. It told her to give the unopened tube to a member of Fei Long and that it contained a hidden immunity idol clue. She said she would give it to the weakest link on the team - Leslie. This turned out to be true because, not being able to figure out the clue, Leslie turned to Todd, who said, "What was she thinking?" So far, Todd wins my vote for the smartest player in the game. Leslie complained, "I feel dirty and miserable" - what did she think she was doing? Signing up for a Club Med cruise? Then she complained that she needed her Bible to feel close to God. She is sitting in the middle of this beautiful country that God created and whining - pull it together sista! Zhan Hu returned to find their camp completely flooded. Everything was ruined except Dave's sturdy fire pit. Hum.

For the immunity challenge, all the girls wore more clothes (thank goodness!). The challenge was to use a Chinese puzzle log to break down two wooden walls, and then run the puzzle through a maze, and finally ring a gong. I think Zhan Hu was hosed on this one because Fei Long has James (Mr. Muscles) and Jean-Robert on their team. Plus Aaron is no weakling. Zhan Hu has Dave. Frosti and Eric aren't big guys and Chicken looked pretty sturdy for an old guy, but they voted him off. So Dave, as the team leader, tried to do most of the battering of the walls and started to break down. Jeff had to remind Zhan Hu they were still in it. Frosti finally took over and got them back on track. Fei Long pulled ahead, but finally Zhan Hu caught up and briefly was in the lead. But Fei Long won the second immunity challenge.

Once again, Zhan Hu had to go to tribal council. Dave had no qualms about saying he planned to vote for Ashley. Her plan was to lay low then play Dave up as crazy at the council. That plan didn't work so well as Ashley was voted off four to one. Sherea cried and Ashley, apparently thinking this was a WWE match, told Dave "I'll see you soon." Personally, I am glad to see Ashley go. Now maybe Zhan Hu can pull it together and win something.

I have been looking forward to Survivor China. I knew from the previews that it would be great scenery and they did not disappoint. China is such a beautiful country!

So, who are the "Survivors" this season? There is a wide variety as usual. On the Fei Long (Flying Dragon) Red tribe is James (a gravedigger), Amanda (hiking guide and former Miss Montana), Denise (a middle school lunch lady), Leslie (a Christian radio talk show host), Todd (a gay Mormon flight attendant), Jean-Robert (a professional poker player and yes, he really is, I've seen him on televised tournaments), Courtney (a NYC waitress), and Aaron (a surfing instructor).

Pirate Master is a show that relies heavily on concept, but falls short on substance. The novelty has worn off. We get it. They look and act like pirates. And they're supposedly sailing this ship. And they search for fake gold that can be cashed in like casino chips. But it's all not enough to keep this show afloat and from keeping its maiden voyage from being a bust. Unless something drastic happens soon, Pirate Master is dead in the water.

Unlike most reality competition shows, it's hard for the viewer to pick a side to root for. That's because there are no sides. With the absence of tribes or teams, alliances are slow to emerge. Add the random factor of the players being sorted into new Black and Red crews each week and the show becomes a jumbled mess where no one appears to be gaining or losing significant ground.

I don't care what Ben or Laurel say. I'd want my captain not to be a hardass like Joe Don. Racing crabs on deck looks fun. At least Azmyth knows how to let loose once in a while. And I don't think he's a weirdo for talking with an accent even though he's from Seattle. I was bummed, though, that the accent disappeared as soon as Azmyth handed over the captaincy.

And this week's treasure hunt was disappointing, too. Only $5000? I guess we were supposed to attribute the short haul to the fact that it was hidden by a vain Frenchman. I don't know what kind of statement Pirate Master is trying to make with that one. But there was an unexpected twist within the treasure chest.

But not everyone is happy about being a pirate. Alexis bitches and moans about everything, using her background in fashion as an excuse. Sure, she's not a glass blower like Laurel, but you'd think that dealing with shady people in the fashion industry would've better prepared her for the game. And what was up with her blatant non-participation during this week's treasure hunt? Seeing that camera pan from her strolling on shore to her team, Black, frantically paddling their boat was a real wtf? moment.

Does anyone else think that Joe Don looks like Sam from Top Chef 2? Just in a tool-ish sort of way. He's a mean captain: taking all that money for himself, not sharing the good food, and not doing any work. Sooner or later it's gonna catch up to him. He better pray that Black continues to win, because if they don't he won't be captain again. But then again, if he does stay on as captain, he runs the risk of mutiny if he doesn't do some serious PR damage control.

Maybe the best position in the game is not as captain but as one of the captain's officers. They get most of the perks: more money, authority, and better food and living quarters. But they also get immunity, don't they? They can't be marked for elimination and can't be mutinied against. They're protected by the captain not only by keeping his confidence, but shielded from the crew's discontent, which is mostly directed towards the captain.

As someone who's watched a lot of and even participated in reality television, I can tell you that even reality shows are always scripted in some way, shape, or form. The producers of Pirate Master have taken this liberty to the extreme. Not necessarily in the actual interactions among the pirates, but it's evident in the elaborate, no-spared-expense staging of the show. It's almost as if Disney let Mark Burnett & Co. borrow the Pirates of the Caribbean movie set in between sequels. What results is a fantastical backdrop against which what will surely shape up to be one of the summer's hit shows will set sail.

To add to the show's authenticity, people who look like pirates make up the cast. At least, they have been made to seem that way. I'm sure they spend hours in makeup and wardrobe on this show. Not that I'm complaining. Because if I'm going to watch a show about pirates, it better feel and look real. The bandanas, scruffy clothes, eyeliner and manscaped beards are nice touches. Unlike Survivor, where all the contestants start well groomed, the pirates seem to have been roughed up prior to shooting. All that's missing are peg legs and a parrot. Episode 2, maybe?